BACKSTAGE AT THE OSCARS

Last year, it was an Academy Awards Party at the home of the Diva of all Oscar Soirees. This year, I got a pre-oscar backstage tour, Number 86 on my Bucket List. Just for fun, I will tell my experience by using the titles of the nominated films. Play along and see if you can spot them. (Answers at the bottom)

It was a dark night with skies that threatened tropic thunder, but that was not going to make me bolt from my adventure. I forged ahead and met up with my happy-go-lucky sister-in-law who has worked the Oscars for the past 15 years. She invited me to be the visitor and get a glimpse of the inner workings behind the Oscars. Believe me, it is a world unto itself. The televised portion of the show is only half the story. Once an actor has won, they're escorted to a room where there's wall to wall-e paparazzi. Humongous gold statuettes adorn a stage, and the winner just stands there to be photographed. Nothing is said, no questions are asked, no comments made. All talk is reserved for the press room, so the shutterbugs are as quiet as a frozen river. One can understand how stars become narcissistic; there are bleachers full of photographers from all over the world, and they are there JUST to snap YOU! How could one not gain conceit?

Let's say the winner is scraggly Mickey Rourke. (Have you ever thought of using an iron, man?) He looks like a cross between Benjamin Button and a slumdog millionaire. Anyway, on the way to the press room Mickey Rourke could, say, swing by and pick up a cocktail or even some milk before he's asked to explain why he forgot to thank Vicky, Cristina, Frost or Nixon in his acceptance speech.

When Viola Davis wins supporting actress (my prediction), her press interview will be carefully written down without a doubt by a team of court reporters. It will then be put on the internet within a five-minute span. That's where my sister-in-law comes in. She's in charge of that whole crew. Incredible!

There's catered food backstage, and the champagne is bubbling more than when I saw my friend Rachel getting married.

The Oscars is a huge production with extreme safety measures that include a rooftop sniper. Security is tighter than Hugh Jackman's abs.

So last year, I was watching the Oscars in front of a TV; this year I was backstage. It's been a revolutionary road I've traveled. I feel like such a changeling! But I guess that's better than being the wrestler, but not quite as good as being the duchess. Next time, Australia??!!

(Bolt, Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder, Happy-Go-Lucky, The Visitor, WALL-E, Frozen River, Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, Vicky Cristine Barcelona, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Doubt, Rachel Getting Married, Revolutionary road, The Wrestler, The Duchess, Australia, Changeling)